Attrition
by Adam Kadmon
Summary: Asuka and Misato are more than roommates. They're friends. Wait. I mean mortal enemies.


Attrition

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.

/\/\/\/\

"What is that stench?"

Asuka left her room. It was dinnertime, she was hungry, and she needed to get away from her literature assignment. But the reek saturating the apartment was quickly killing her appetite.

"It's supper," Misato called from the kitchen, sounding too cheerful for someone producing the kind of smell she was producing. "Get it before Pen Pen wakes up and steals your share."

Asuka glanced at the bird's refrigerator home as she entered the kitchen. "I think he's hiding out."

"Why would he do that? He loves this stuff."

"God, it smells. What is it?"

"Curry over noodles. Good, traditional Katsuragi comfort food."

"You mean instant curry over instant noodles."

"Yeah, what I said," Misato replied, looking innocent. "Come on, come on; sit down. It's almost ready."

Asuka debated hunger and laziness against intestinal trauma. She might get to miss school tomorrow if she ate. She sat.

She watched Misato at the counter, hopping from foot to foot as she waited for the instant noodle cups to cool. She was wearing her "relaxed" attire, cutoffs and a tank top, which seemed designed more to accentuate what was showing than to actually cover her body.

"How does she manage to keep that ugly scar from popping out?" Asuka whispered to herself. She sighed and spoke up. "Do you have to walk around like that?"

"Like what?" Misato glanced over her shoulder.

"Wearing those clothes, and I use the term loosely."

"What's wrong with my clothes?" She looked herself over, not without a fair degree of pride.

"You're barely wearing anything," Asuka said, pointing. "It's indecent."

"You sound like Shinji when he first moved in. You're both such prudes."

"Do not compare me to that pervert. It's obvious he likes it. You're just feeding his deviant nature. I'm shocked he hasn't died from excessive nosebleeds."

"Nah, he's used to it by now. And I've seen the short shorts you wear around here, missy. Ah, maybe _you're_ trying to give Shinji a nosebleed."

"He'd be bleeding from more than his nose if he dared look at me like that. And I only wear those because the air conditioner is always on the fritz."

"Yeah, I need to fix that." Misato gave a tiny squeal of joy as dinner cooled. She ladled a thick curry-like liquid into the two instant noodle cups, then dropped them on the table. "Dig in."

"'Dig' is right," Asuka muttered, peering over the cup's lip at what appeared to be curry-colored mud. A sizable bubble broke the lumpy surface with an audible pop. She glanced up to find her guardian happily slurping away, chopsticks in one hand, beer in the other. How did she keep her figure? "There's no justice in this world."

"Say what?"

"Nothing." Asuka felt the chopsticks strain as she tried to stir whatever was congealing in the cup.

"Hey," Misato said with a grin, "want a sip of beer? I promise not to tell." She shook her can at her.

Asuka scoffed. "Please. You call that Japanese tap water beer? If I was dying of dehydration I wouldn't let that swill touch my palette."

"Don't knock it 'til you try it." She helped herself to a long draw. "Unless you've already sampled my wares."

"Like I'd allow your slovenly habits to rub off on me."

"Good. A drunken pilot would be a disaster."

"Unlike a drunken operations director?"

"I have faith in my pilot corps."

"Corps?" Asuka repeated. "As in every pilot? The only one you need to count on is me. The First and Shinji are useless."

The First and Shinji were not useless. Rei was a fine point of comparison for her skill and Shinji had proven an invaluable and unsurpassed warrior in the kitchen. Asuka counted that as the singular redeeming quality justifying Shinji's continued existence. Anything below a specific flavor threshold tasted like LCL, as he was well aware of. To Asuka, Chef Shinji was a master at finding that level and keeping above it. Although with her altered taste buds she couldn't be sure if he was a good cook or just good at masking LCL.

But Misato's criminal reimagining of curry was beyond the threshold of what a normal human should ingest. This was the fate Shinji left her to in order to pursue the selfish desire to have friends.

"I can't believe stupid Shinji is spending the night at his stupid friend's house. It's so juvenile."

Misato discreetly rolled her eyes. "What are you talking about? You stay over at that Horaki girl's place all the time."

"It's different for girls," Asuka stated. "You had friends when you were my age, didn't you?"

"Let's drop it, alright?"

"Touchy-touchy. What's wrong? Was party-girl Misato not popular in school? Maybe you were lonely? You get the silent treatment and everything?"

"I said _drop it_."

Misato frowned, tapping her chopsticks on the cup's lip. Asuka snorted. She took a tentative bite of what Misato charitably called dinner. She gagged. Shinji leaving her to this punishment was indefensible.

"There will be a penalty for this," she muttered. "But if stupid Shinji likes it so much over at his dumb friend's house he should stay there." Her brow furrowed. "Why is he even living here?" Asuka wondered aloud. "Why doesn't he live with that delightful father of his?"

Misato nursed her beer.

"I mean, I can't ask _him,_" Asuka went on. "You know how sensitive he is. I'd never get a straight answer."

"Aw, are you afraid of hurting Shinji's feelings? How sweet of you."

"Bite me."

Misato shrugged. "You'll have to ask him if you want an answer."

"I just said—"

"I meant you'd have to ask the Commander."

She would not be asking the Commander. Asuka went back to clinically examining the noodle cup.

"Not hungry?" Misato asked.

After the first tentative bite Asuka had done nothing but poke at her meal. "Not for this." She frowned. "I'm sure Shinji's idiot friends are enjoying his cooking right now."

"Well, don't blame me if you starve."

"This is all his fault," Asuka said. "He should have remembered to make us dinner before he left. It's not like this was some critical emergency or anything. It's just dumb boys doing dumb stuff together."

"I think he deserves a night off," Misato said as she worked through the sludge of her meal. "You know, I had to cook for myself every night before he moved in. It's not so bad."

"'Cook', you say. Shinji told me all you had in here was this instant crap and snacks."

"My little Shinji is talking about me behind my back? And spreading vicious lies?" She saw Asuka was not buying. "So I was busy. I have a fairly hectic job, as you may recall."

"Uh huh. Hectic. Now, refresh my memory. Was this before or after the Angels started attacking?"

"Being Operations Director is hectic even on days when we aren't being invaded by giant monsters. The paperwork I have to go through would kill a lesser woman."

"As opposed to my job, which literally would kill a lesser woman." Asuka glared at her. "What? What was that little snicker just now? You don't think I'm in danger every time I fight?"

"No, no, it's not that. I know you are."

"Then what was—"

"Come on, Asuka. Kaji isn't around. You don't have to call yourself a woman." Misato knew as soon as she explained it she shouldn't have explained it. In hindsight the three beers before dinner might not have been a good idea.

"Well, I guess if you define being a woman as a lazy, addle-brained, borderline-alcoholic then, no, I'm not a woman. Are you?"

"I'm at a good place with my alcoholism," Misato said, finishing off her can. "And lazy I'll let slide. But addle-brained? Girl, I am a master tactician. My brain is always on."

"If this is on then I'd hate to see it turned off." Asuka stared her down, waiting for a fight. Misato went back to her meal with sharp, deliberate motions. "How can you shovel this stuff into your face? It's disgusting."

"You've been harping on my cooking all night. Give it a rest."

"You're my guardian. You're responsible for providing me a decent meal. At least something edible."

"I made dinner. You don't like it? Make something yourself."

"That's stupid Shinji's job."

"Well then," Misato said, dropping her utensils. "Maybe I should hop in the car and drag him back here to cater to your discriminating culinary whims. How dare he have friends. I'll just have to punish him for taking a night off from being your personal slave."

"Punish," Asuka repeated evenly. "Just like you punished him after the last battle? With a teary hug?"

"I…" Misato was caught off-guard. "I thought he was—" She let a sharp sigh out through her teeth. "I thought he wasn't coming back from that shadow," she said carefully. "I would have done the same if it was you."

"Yeah, right."

"I mean it, Asuka."

She scoffed. "Like you did after I nearly bought it in that volcano? Gee, thanks. Great to know you care so much."

Misato clenched her jaw. "I might not have been…" She rubbed her eyes. "I was… After the last battle, not being able to do anything, seeing what Unit 01 did, I… Look, I wasn't thinking as clearly as I maybe should have been when he came back."

"That seems to happen a lot with him."

"I did chew him out later. After he showered. You just didn't see it."

"So disobeying orders, acting arbitrarily and endangering an Eva gets a private finger-wagging? All that isn't enough for a proper dressing-down? He screwed up again and you let him off the hook. Again."

Misato's fists went white under the table. "Sometimes a soft touch is more—"

"No," Asuka cut her off. "This is _exactly_ what I'm talking about. You _always_ take his side. No matter what he does, or doesn't do, you make excuses for him to keep failing. It's as much your fault for not disciplining him as it is his own blinding incompetence."

"Well, I'm so, _so_ sorry we can't all be as perfect as you. Except last time I checked you were running _second_ to Shinji's kill count. And I suppose you forgot who ranked first in the last synch test."

"There you go again, defending your favorite pilot."

"It's facts, Asuka. How many Angels have you killed by yourself? Without any assistance?" Misato leaned forward. "How many have you killed without Shinji bailing you out?"

"He never 'bailed me out,'" Asuka said tightly.

"Really? I've seen the flight recorder from Unit 02's maiden battle. How Shinji had to take the controls while you were having a little meltdown. I'd say it was cute if the fate of the world hadn't been hanging in the balance."

"What you call my 'little meltdown' was me wondering where my tactical support was. What were you doing up on the bridge? Desperately trying to find Mr. Kaji to boost your pathetic ego again?"

"Don't take it out on me because you're jealous of Shinji."

"I am _not_ jealous of him," Asuka bit out. "I am not jealous of the way everyone favors him, makes excuses for him, promotes him, and gives him the extra support he did nothing to earn. None of that makes me jealous. It makes me disgusted. It's the only reason he's had any success. You all go out of your way to coddle him."

"We're reacting to the situation as needed," Misato began tersely. "Don't—"

"Oh, please. Right from the start you've led the Shinji love parade. And this apartment is where it begins." She turned her head. "I don't know why I ever agreed to live here!"

Misato studied her for a moment and frowned. "I can have the paperwork by the morning. If you hate it here so much I won't force you to stay."

"Oh, you'd love it if I left, wouldn't you?" Asuka sniped. "Then you could spend all your time fawning over Shinji. You could turn my room into a shrine and worship him when he's not home. What a perfect arrangement."

"Maybe I should fawn over you instead?"

"So you admit it! You _do_ give him special treatment!"

"He never had your training," Misato stated.

"That's not my problem. You and NERV are the geniuses that decided that. I shouldn't be penalized for your oversight." She sat back and crossed her arms. "And I don't want anyone fawning over me. I don't need it. I'm not doing this to get daddy's approval."

"_Shut your mouth!"_ Misato snapped. She stabbed a finger at her. "Don't you _dare_ think you know _anything_ about me!"

Asuka watched her for a long moment. "I was talking about Shinji," she said evenly. "No wonder you like him so much." She rose and carefully pushed her chair under the table. "I really shouldn't get in the way of your special little connection, since it seems you understand each other so well. It's only natural you'd favor him. The weak are drawn to the weak."

Misato watched her return to her room, sliding the door shut without another word. She held her head in her hands, rubbing her eyes with her palms.

"Damn it." She reached blindly for her beer and found it empty. She crushed it and flung it to the floor. "Way to go," she told herself. "Misato, master tactician, loses to a teenager." She stared at Asuka's shut door. "Damn it."

She stood, retrieved the beer can to drop it in the recycling bin, and walked to the stove. She found one of Shinji's cook books, a heavy alien tome filled with strange, impossible formulas. Misato tried to recall Asuka's favorite dish and failed.

"It's not like she's a finicky eater," she muttered. "She devours anything Shinji makes. Even if she does complain about it." She recalled her asking for _hanbagu_ last week and settled on that. "Damn that's a lot of prep work. Maybe I should call Shinji?" She dismissed the idea. Nothing good would come from dragging him physically into this squabble.

Misato began rummaging through the refrigerator with one hand, balancing the cookbook in the other. She collected ingredients in the crook of her arm and returned to the counter, dumping them in a cluttered pile.

"Like this is going to fix things," she murmured. She stared down at what she collected. "Have to start somewhere." Misato sighed through a smile. "I really hate cooking. I hope this'll be worth it." She glanced over her shoulder towards Asuka's closed door. "I think it will be."

/\/\/\/\

End

Author notes: Maybe Misato should have made something terrible with corn, to match how terrible and corny the ending was.

Meh. A short attempt to examine Asuka and Misato's relationship post-Leliel. I figured Asuka had to hold a grudge as the series went on, especially as things went down the crapper. How many times did Shinji get special treatment or disobey orders without being disciplined? It's got to be a bitter pill to swallow.

OMAKE by Sideris

"Why doesn't he live with Gendo?"

"We get hammered," Misato said. "Constantly."

"Oh-oh my God, you _drink_ with that little sleazebag?"

"No, just hours and hours of hormonally driven, 'I'm-his-guardian-man-this-is-forbidden' awesome sex."

/cue trumpet wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah


End file.
